In the Beginning,

So, how was I driven to this point? How did I drag myself to my computer and say "I need to blog about this shit.." Well actually it happened a while ago, about a month ago, but I was far too lazy to get my ass on here and do this. But it's now the beginning of spring break, day three of it actually, and so far I have done NOTHING. So I decided I had to do this, in order to keep my sanity somewhat in tact.

Afew months ago, a while after Halloween, my boyfriend dumped me. This came as a total shock to me, I didn’t like this kid too much, but he worshiped me. And I was so desperate for a boyfriend that I agreed to go out with him (after he had asked me five times or so). We dated for a while, almost a year, and I had convinced myself that I liked him as much as he liked me. He was a shy kid, 6'2, and very rich, but he was a nice guy too, I believed he didn’t have a mean bone in his body. However, I have a big loud family and a lot of loud friends, he was too shy, I would bring him to family events and he would literally shrink away and hide. On Halloween my family had a Halloween party and I bravely decided to bring him. I looked away for one second and he was gone. He had gone into the backyard to "get some space" apparently large groups of people exhausted him. So this led to me being embarrassed to bring him around my family and friends and he didn’t care to go around them anyways. We'd spend most of our time alone, usually going to movies or eating at the same restaurants. He had even used the "L" word on me once... (love) and I was freaked out. I refused to say it at first because I was no where near feeling that, but eventually he convinced me to say it back, and every time I did my stomach turned, because I knew it meant more to me than it did to him. Eventually we got into an argument (I’ll go into that some other time) and I decided not to talk to him again until I had calmed down. I didn’t want to yell at him and say something I didn’t mean. The next day he called and I didn’t answer, I was still a tad upset and wanted to cool down first. Then I got a text saying "Well I didn’t want to say this over text but I am too frustrated with all of this and I think we should break up" of course I called. Long story short, he ended it, and I never got an actual reason other than he was 'frustrated', I think what hurt the most was when he said he thought about it, slept on it, and when he woke up he had no more feelings for me. To me, it seemed impossible that any feeling could go away overnight. And now I can only remember the good things about him, I have completely forgotten all the shit I went through and the awkwardness and the sick feeling in my stomached when he would say the L word. I guess I had convinced myself I little too well.
So that is part of my reason for insanity, the other part, as you might have read in my description, had to do with my sister. I have two sisters (older) and a younger brother. My second eldest sister ,Tye, has never exactly gotten along with me, even when we were little I remember her telling me she wouldn’t care if I died, of course she didn’t mean it, but it still hurt. As we got older I became desperate for her affection, but she had other desires. Several years ago she had a boyfriend, and he seemed nice, until about a year in they got pregnant. My mom and dad were heartbroken but still supportive, the best parents she could have asked for.

I remember sitting in my bedroom with both of my sisters talking about what she would name the baby, I then asked who the godmother would be, I had assumed it would be my oldest sister 'Am', but Tye said it was going to be one of her friends. I looked at Am and saw the heartbroken look on her face, they had been best friends when they were younger, but now it was clear that Tye no longer wanted that. Am laughed it off and said "yeah your right, we don’t really know each other anyways" I’m not sure if Tye ever got the hint. A few weeks later she had a miscarriage, I wont go into that, I don’t like to remember that day. but after that, we rarely if ever saw our sister, she went back to her party hardy lifestyle and eventually even moved in with her boyfriend. My parents, especially my mother, were completely heartbroken and I remember walking into her room finding her crying her eyes out over her daughter. We didn’t hear from her for months, eventually we got a line of communication, but things were still awkward between me and Tye.
My cousin Tar decided to move here from California, she lived with us for almost a year and I loved her to death, although we didn’t always get on, she brought me out of my shy little box and made me an outgoing confident person. She was best friends with Tye at the time and she could see what was happening between us. But one day I had had enough, I didn’t want anything to do with my sister, I just snapped. About a month or so later I was told I was going shopping with Tar, and it was a trap, Tye was there too. I remember her trying so hard to talk to me, she even bought me a pair of earrings, but that only made things worse and I assumed she was trying to 'buy me back'. We went through our ups and downs of being extremely close and extremely far. Tye is a strong person with a "piss off" attitude, she knows what she wants and she gets it, and she isn’t afraid of anyone. However, her boyfriend mistreated her terribly, he loved himself more than he loved her, and one day he went too far. They went out dirt biking and had too much to drink )mind you they were out in the middle of nowhere) My sister was way under the influence, and her boyfriend wasn’t nearly as bad, but they were driving with his cousin. My sister Tye caught him snorting a line of coke in the back of the car and freaked out begging her boyfriend to find another way home. He didn’t, and while they were driving home they pulled out a bottle of alcohol and were about to drink up, my sister freaked out again and took the bottle from them. In her stupidity and drunkenness she downed the last bit so the driver wouldn’t be able to. The boyfriend was furious, he was already upset at her for insulting his cousin and they pulled over at a circle K in the middle of nowhere, dropped her off, and drove away. It was around midnight when we got a call from a family friend who had gone to rescue Tye, she was so drunk and upset she couldn’t even talk, he had to get directions from the people in the store. She was brought to our house where we cleaned her up, have her a warm bed, and plenty of love. The next morning my dad took me out of the house and drove me out to play tennis. Later that day I found out why. Her wonderful shit-tard of a boyfriend came to pick her up.. and she went with him. I don’t know what I would have done if I had seen him, but I know that my parents weren’t going to let me murder someone and knew they needed to get me out of the house. Eventually she went to Alaska to work for the summer as a chef, my sister Am went with her and they had an amazing time. We missed them so much and couldn’t wait for them t get home. Tye had broken up with her boyfriend while she was over there, she had met someone new. She then told us she was moving to Oregon, she came back only for about a week, and I hardly saw her, we got into a fight. I knew she was using us just like she always had. She had used us so many times before, whenever things went bad with her life, she came to us, but she never had a care about ours. Even then, she was only using us because she needed a place to stay, and when she came to visit us anew months ago, we hardly saw her. She needed a place to sleep and eat and pass out when she drank too much with her friends. Users make me insane.



Along with those two excuses, there are the issues of my friends, I go to a small school so everyone knows everyone else’s business. I thought I had fantastic friends, but they all started becoming pot heads and started doing things with each other. It disgusted me, I would hear about things happening at parties and sometimes see them for myself, it was nasty thinking that they were all essentially sleeping around with each other. Not to mention the inevitable shit talking started up and I was the victim. Not a single one of my friends came to me to ask my side of the story, and I was shut out from the group, I almost lost it there, I was inches away from the edge, but I still had some real friends. My very best friends that would never ever stab me in the back, and would always stand by my side. They pulled me up to the surface and kept me breathing and sane.



So I think I'm too lazy to go into all the other little events in my life, and I think I have written way too much already. My day is wasting away and I have shit to do (not really) maybe someday I’ll go a little deeper into the story of my life thus far.. but not today. Today I am lazy and still a tad crazy.